Dear Diary... "Honesty"

A few years ago I was involved in a highly toxic relationship which anchored me to the feeling of worthlessness. It wasn’t a foreign feeling either. With both physical and emotional abuse present, I chose to keep it. He didn’t mean to do it, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind, he loves me… I’ll heal and we can go back to how things were or better yet I pressured him, it’s my fault. I had ever excuse in the book. It was in my nature to do anything to just go back to how things were even if it wasn’t healthy but I could manage it. I would compartmenatilze constantly as it temporarily went away, and came back like a bad dream.

I was confused and felt victim, after all it was done to me. I had a choice to leave or stay. I stayed. I always wanted to feel loved, coming from a broken home it’s what I’ve craved and being in a relationship with a highly emotional recovering addict made me feel secure. Can any of you relate? All I ever wanted was to feel validated…needed. I get asked often what’s my “why”. To share my life and journey with you, in hopes I can help you, bring you comfort, teach you or inspire you to take control of your life to do the work and put yourself front and center of your issues. I wish for no one to experience what I have. I wish for no one to feel what I do and have. And I want to share with you the growth and beauty from over coming tragedy to let you know there is a bright light at the end. You can not rewrite what was but you sure can try everyday to make a change and be that change but you have to do the work.

I decided to go down a different path in life, after slowly rebuilding my self worth non which was done by looking in a mirror and saying “I love you” rather saying what I saw. I developed true compassion for myself during 2 years spent in self improvement workshops, it was then that I had some profound discoveries. I started to fall in love with myself, wanting to protect myself, make myself happy. I was ready to start living for me… and so my journey began as I emerged myself in nature reflecting and rebuilding my min, body and soul.

-Ashiko

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